Alone Among the Crowd

This is dedicated to my friend, whose B’day on 29th June and to my brother, who are away from me and Alone...

Dear JY,

(Around me, thousands of people.....Out of them, a few know me, I am laughing and crying with them...They are my companions.. .But truly telling..... Truly telling ....I am Alone.... I am Alone...Alone among the Crowd....)

On all days of my fever, I had being lying near to my mother to get some parental touch...In the midnights usually I woke up and came to know that she was not near to me in the bed...I opened my small mouth and would make a big roar.. ” Ammo...Ammo” ...She would come and lie near to me and used to sing the Lullaby...Va Va Vo.....Kunju Va.Vaa..Vo.. ..Ente Kunju..Urangikko....In the deep comfort..I was slipping to my sleep...

If I’m saying literally... I have been out from my family for the last eight years...Upto my PDC’s Me and my brother were walking in the shadows of each other... After My Arts college life, It was tragedy that our career path were in two directions.. .For me It’s just like half paralysed..Its bad symptoms followed me as a ‘vethalam’ in my 1 & 2’s...But any way, time recovered me from the ‘paralytic fever’...I enjoyed the good time with my friends and my professors there ...

But the imp of solitude again caught me after four years, when I passed out, No one around me...The one who knows me didn’t call me...My friends were too busy to call me on those days...I felt I was not important at all to anyone in the world....I had to suffer for my livelihood.. ..I had to work alone for my well being...I had to pray alone for my securities.. ..I had to inspire myself to try one more time...I had to find jokes to laugh...I had to earn alone for my food... In the thunderstorms of the seasons, I fearfully lied on my bed....In heavy monsoons.... i stopped walking in the rain.... In the nights, I washed my pillow with my tears....I kept my bible near to my bed...While sleeping, I kept IT on my chest...I don’t know from where that cool breeze came and touched my heart....When I opened my eyes in the Morning...It was still on my chest....I turned the Pages.....It had written like this.....The Lord is my shepherd...I closed my eyes to meditate the beauty of the verse...But in the darkness of loneliness.. .the beauty didn’t enlighten my mind...

But In my solitudes... God revealed me the beauty of relations... No one else in the world except your blood relations won’t be at your side...He deepens the meaning of the Words Love, Hope and faith...With which I can live by...

My Consolations
1) In my lonely seasons....I used to remember The Story of Joseph in the Old Testament... . One of the most beautiful biographical literatures written ever....
The Book of Genesis Chapter 37:1- ..Jacob had twelve sons...(The sons of Rachel ,Joseph and Benjamin.... ) Jacob(Israel) loved Joseph more than any of his other sons....Brothers hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.......
Brothers planned to kill him...but they sold him for twenty shekels...to Ishmaelite.. ..Merchants sold him in Egypt to potiphar...But the Bible says...Lord is with Him...and he prospered... .
(In his Solitudes, In his temptations, At the time of imprisonment, in his dreams, in his duties and responsibilities in the prison....At the time of interpretation of the dreams, When he became the charge of all Egypt....) All the time, Lord is with him..Lord followed him where ever he went...At the end what a beautiful forgiving statement...” “I am your brother Joseph, The one you sold in to Egypt....Do not be distressed or angry with yourself for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.
Joseph was not Alone in Egypt....Lord is with him.....
In my aloneness Joseph’s story enlighten me that Subin, you are not alone....I’m with you!
2)Story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego(Daniel Chap:3 verse 16-)
He(Nebuchadnezzar) said Look I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed and the fourth looks like a son of Gods!..In our sufferings.. ..He is at our side!
When the Western winds had blown and shattered the green leaves of my joy.... When the thunder storms uprooted the trunk of my faith....When the evil darkness tempting me.....in my solitudes
I cried out like a child...My Lord My Lord....You know what He is doing at that time!
He is singing the same lullaby which my mother used to sing... “VavaVo.....Kunju Va.Vaa..Vo.. ..Ente Kunje..Urangikko. ..”.In the deep comfort..I am slipping to my sleep...

Ennu Snehapoorvam
Subin...

(Amma)Theresa paranjathu.. ...
The Most terrible poverty is Loneliness and feeling of Unwanted...We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty